She was near the ceiling. Holding on for dear life to the little plastic contraption that held her weight. Her hands were sweaty. Her heart was thumping in her narrow chest. The drop was substantial. At that point, her 11 year old mind couldn’t really have told the difference between 3 or 30 meters. She just knew that a fall would result in broken bones. A broken leg? Two? A broken neck? She cursed herself quietly for having gotten herself into the situation in the first place.

“Just let go,” her little sister Aggy shouted up at her. “It will be okay, I promise!”. Alice would have done anything for Aggy, who was only 3 years younger, but not when her very life was on the line. Some part of her knew that Aggy was probably right – Alice had already seen her jump from the climbing wall a couple of times, caught by the elaborate safety harness that all the kids were wearing as a security precaution. She looked down at her own fluorescent coloured harness, marked with smiling cartoon puppies, but it didn’t give her any comfort. Aggy didn’t have the worry gene that was keeping Alice firmly stuck in place.

She couldn’t figure out the footing she’d used to get to where she was and could feel that her tears weren’t far off. She didn’t want to cry! This was meant to be a fun activity! FUN! And that would be all the ammunition her cousin Beryl would need to bully her. Beryl had changed since she’d gone to high school the year before. She’d stopped being a normal decent human being and now revelled in making Alice feel small. Granted, they didn’t get together that often, as Beryl was in boarding school, but still! It was the holiday season and Beryl was bound to get wind of this story.

“It won’t even hurt!” Aggy merrily sang out to her, having made her way up to the same point on the adjacent wall. Alice realized that she must have been holding on to the same colourful climbing hold for sometime. Her fingers were getting tired.

“Look! I’ll show you!” Aggy proclaimed and proceeded to just let go. No hesitation. No concern. Just absolute faith that this world was not one where she got hurt. She even closed her eyes as if relishing the fall and didn’t attempt to hold on to anything. She swayed away from the wall with her body angled horizontally and her limbs splayed star fish style. The harness gently brought her down to the carpeted floor. Opening her eyes, she lifted a wide toothy grin to Alice and shouted, “See?”

Alice just knew that the world wouldn’t be so kind to her. It never had been. Aggy hadn’t been there that day when the thugs had broken into their home. The bad man with the gun threatening Mother. Alice cries and cries as he hurls Mommy across the room. Mommy hits her head hard against the wall and crumples to the ground. Her fall is like a bouncing castle that’s lost its air. “Please!” Alice pleads as her sobs are caught in her breath. She can barely see through the tears streaming down her face. It’s difficult to breath. There’s a lot of snot around her nose. “Please!” she tries again. This time it’s not even a whisper. She forms the word with her mouth but nothing comes out. 

She doesn’t remember it all. One moment she’s on the bed, and the next, she’s lodged between the gun and Mommy. Alice closes her eyes because Mommy’s eyes are closed. Mommy smells of the face cream she uses before bed. A chemical smell masked with a mild lavender scent. Alice hums a song. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine …” She’s not sure whether the humming is only in her head. She knows that Mommy would be happy to hear it – Mommy loves that song. She taught it to Alice, twirling her around on tippy toes as she sang. It’s a happy song. “You make me happy, when skies are grey.” Can Mommy hear it? Can Mommy … hear? The noise is gone. Not silence, but not noise. The man is gone. Mommy is not awake. She’s bleeding. There’s a lot of blood. Is she … there? Mommy are you here?

Mother hadn’t died. Neighbours had rushed her to a doctor. The fall had caused complications with the pregnancy. Mother had been pregnant with Aggy. Aggy the miracle baby who had cheated death, brought into the world without a fear or care. Precious fearless Aggy. Perhaps it was this premature ushering into the world that had made Aggy, Aggy. She’d fought so hard for her life when it was just beginning, that there was nothing left to fear. She’d already overcome death … what was a little jump?

Alice closes her eyes and follows her little sister’s example. She takes in a deep breath and in that moment, decides to let go. She releases her cares and, for a moment, allows the world to envelope her. Time seems to slow down. Suddenly, she realises that she’s not alone. It’s like a magical presence has stepped into her space and taken over the burden she carries around like a tortoise and its shell. She hears the words, “You will be okay, always.” Except, they aren’t really words … more like a reassuring sensation that pulsates with tender warmth through her being. It’s foreign, and yet comes from deep within her. She doesn’t have the words to explain it, so she stops trying to document the experience. She leans into the feeling. She’s reassured that she only need “be”. She doesn’t have to do anything, just exist. “Everything is going to be okay.” It feels like rich creamy vanilla ice cream on a pleasant summer day.

When she opened her eyes, she was lying down on the ground looking up into Aggy’s beaming face. “I told you everything was going to be okay!” Aggy said as she jumped and laughed joyously.

The version of Alice who’d been stuck on the climbing wall just a short time before would have reacted to this. “How did you know to say that?” She’s have asked. “Did you hear it too?” But this somewhat wiser version of Alice, just smiles. She reaches out to hug her little sister. “Always!” she adds. “Everything will be alright always.”